Margaret Sugar's Site

Once again, Peter and I are getting ready to head back to Oregon. It was easier leaving last month because we knew we were coming back to see Margie again within 3 weeks. But this time we are not sure when we will be back and what the circumstances will be. We enjoyed a lovely yummy breakfast this morning at Anne and Arv's with Margie and Mack, Ellen and Jerry, and sisters Abby and Grace. I love these times of gathering and feasting and sharing! Our moments together are as sweet as all these lovely brilliant fall colors, the golds of the trembling aspens resplendent in the mountains and fall air. Margie is still very much 'in charge' these days, and expresses curiousity at this adventure of her dying. There are no road maps for any of us on this journey, it seems. So much 'letting go' to 'do', and on so many levels. But Margie smiles after asking her questions about how she will go, and graciously let's go of needing to know. Moment to moment. Margie loves the opportunity to get out and still be very engaged in life.This afternoon she and Mack are going dancing to some swing jazz!  And she loves the 'distraction' of having visitors, and preparing meals for them. Although she did express some frustration at finding herself without some ingredients at times and having no way to get out shopping for them independently. But again, that smile and the versitility of finding something else to cook up or substitute with. Peter and I arrived back last evening, from a wee road trip into New Mexico, to Margie's home cooking - a lovely pot roast and chocolate cake!!  Such a treat! Margie is still pacing herself carefully, enjoying her naps throughout the day. And she still enjoys hearing others stories more than talking about herself, finding it less tiring to do so these days. Her abdominal tumor(s) are growing and causing her some pain at times, but her meds are keeping her comfy. Watch those robust hugs though! Margie's complete openness and honesty continue to help me as we all continue forward into this uncertainty. I can't help but notice how similar it is to my nursing work of being with women in labor having their babies! I've been learning a lot, witnessing Margie's journey. I'm learning to live as if I were dying! Love to you All out there in cyberspace!  :-)  xxx

I'm enjoying spending these precious days and nites with Margie, especially sleeping with her. She often wakes up around 3:30am and we talk about life and travel and love and death, or just hold hands and watch the crescent moon move across the sky. Today we got up around 8am and while Peter was out for a short hike with Tait, I cooked Margie some scrambled eggs, steak (that's what she wanted!) and some toast, which she ate most of! She hasn't been experiencing any nausea or pain lately, which is a blessing. She keeps up with her medication routine, keeping wonderful detailed notes on what she takes and when. She is still very much in charge, although she did comment to me 'I'm not in control anymore'. I do get the feeling she's got one foot in this world and one in the next. She is showing me how to face death without fear ('fear stops us from being our best' she says) and how to be totally present in this moment. She said earlier this afternoon that she is still very interested in her friends and what's going on in the world, but feels she is lacking in energy to 'be entertaining'. Margie seems to have good energy for a couple hours, and then enjoys a replenishing rest. Right now, she and Peter are writing her obituary, talking about her colorful life history and interests. And then Margie will have another rest before her friend arrives to visit at 3pm. She loves to visit and talk on the phone, but does tire easily. She mentioned yesterday that she's not entirely comfortable being the center of attention - of course, she wants to hear about YOUR life, as usual. I guess some things don't change!  :-)  Love to you all, who are reading this.  Jill